A Hollow Victory
by DragonLady626
Summary: Sai sacrifices himself to save Naruto and Team Seven's reactions to his Death. Onesided Sai/Naruto, implied Naruto/Sakura. Warning if the first sentence isn't enough Contains character Death, spoilers, and language. The M rating is a precaution.
1. Chapter 1

My apologies as this is unbeta'd and my grammar can be odd. I have no wish for Sai to die on the show and yet this came to me and did not want to go away. I also would like to thank xxdantexdonovanxx for reading this over for me and helping me out with Kakashi who is a character I have little experience with in terms of writing him.

**A Hollow Victory**

"You frickin Retard what the hell were you thinking!?" I think most people would be laughing at this point. Hearing Naruto's voice raise like that it, almost every part of me hurts right now, but, I can handle it. I take in Naruto's expression memorizing it though I don't have much of a chance to look back on it. Though I suppose the situation isn't very funny. His expressions whenever he takes on that tone of voice are so vivid I've drawn them a few times.

"That I wanted to protect you… and that I'm sorry" That wound from the sword hurting me a lot, and I know it was poisoned. But at least it wasn't hurting Naruto, he didn't need this pain. He needed to keep his promise… the one that would have meant the end of my time on their team anyway. Or that's what I'm pretty sure he'd think if he were where I was, he'd think about Sakura about Sasuke.

"Sorry? What the hell are you sorry for!?" He's so noisy… but I can tell something in him is scared. I could always see that. He is scared to fail, he's scared to lose people.

"For not keeping my promise" I notice he's resting my head on his lap. He's warm. Or maybe I'm cold. The poison is eating away at my chakra and I'm tired. I want to tell him I'll be okay, but I can't lie to him now, at least about that.

"You mean the one to make me smile? Sai…" my eyes shut briefly closing out the sight of Naruto's. "Sai?" I open them again and see his eyes are tearing up. Am I hurting him? He…

"Yes.. And now I'm hurting you. Don't cry Dickless…" I must have hurt him, he isn't even reacting to the nickname. I can feel him shaking he looks pale. I'm not sure whether he's scared or sad. His eyes look stormy I think most people would say that they feel whatever Naruto feels if you look into his eyes.

"J-Just stick with me okay? Sakura will come she's great like that, she'll fix you up." His lips turn up faintly. I have never understood that, how he can keep that mask up all the time. His body is shaking his eyes are teary yet he can still force his mouth to turn up. Is this because I took the blow for him? I don't think Sakura will make it in time.

"The poison on the blade sure is strong huh…" I'd seen victims of it once it had been part of my desensitization. I'd never thought I'd be on the wrong end of it. It's eating away my chakra and using it to attack my inner organs it hurts a lot but I can just keep focus through it..

"I can't believe you… talking about poison right now…" He shaking his head. And his eye brows are raised slightly. Confusion, disbelief, but I can still see the fear eating away at him. He's scared of losing another team mate. I'm the cause of Naruto's pain right now, I wish I wasn't. So many people hurt him voluntarily or involuntarily, and it's cruel, I don't want to be remembered like that.

"There was a poem I found one time, comparing jealousy to poison…" I had read poetry one time trying to understand the emotions people supposedly packed into those words. The only one I recalled was that one. Perhaps because I had come to what some people would consider a disturbing realization. That I was attracted to a male, a friend of mine I could not have. Simply because he was in love with someone else. A female, something I can never be, nor would I want to be.

"Okay…" He doesn't know. He won't know. Knowing this would only hurt him more. Sakura, he loves her and despite her foolishness, I think she loves him too. It could be the poison but I feel sick.

"I think I understand it now" She will get to live with him, she will be the one to see him smile. Maybe even smile his true smile. My lungs hurt. The poison is eating away at them now.

"You mean that you feel jealous of someone?" Naruto seems calmer now, but starts looking anxious as probably notices my chakra levels are dangerously low. I think he's also concerned that of all times I'm feeling jealous now. I've been jealous for weeks now without showing any indication of it that I'm aware of. I think I might be feeling something like despair. I hadn't planned on dying today, but as I saw the poisoned blade I had no choice that I could see and pushed him away.

"Sakura loves you, and you love her and I…" I can't finish. I don't want to admit it. It's stupid I want things now. Now that I'm about to die. I can't look him in those eyes. They are the only thing he can't keep masked and I don't want to know if he realizes how I feel. People have said that they feel like Naruto knows everything they feel when he looks them in the eye sometimes I think it's that they see themselves in his eyes. But, I truly don't want him to know, be it through my eyes, actions or voice.

"Sai?" I can hear the question in his voice. He always wants to know. Even if it would hurt him. Betray whatever bond we had developed, smear it with an unneeded emotion since I won't be able to share it. He wants to know what I was going to say.

"It's stupid" I can't breathe and dampness…. Tears escape my eyes as I look at him and he looks haunted, like I'm one of those ghosts he's scared of. And then everything goes black.

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"Sai? Sai!?" I can't feel his chakra. I always sucked at that kind of thing but I can't even tell if he's there. My pulse is racing as I try not to move him and try to remember how the fuck to take someone's pulse. Something by his throat, uhh. I press my hand and then remember that its just my index and middle finger. I can't feel anything. He was poisoned should I have tried to get the poison out!? Why didn't he tell me!?

My hands, all my body is shaking violently. I already killed the guy who did this. The weird sword the guy was using is laying useless on the ground. This is so stupid! "SAI!" I shout shaking him I know it won't wake him up but I want it to. I want the dumb idiot to wake up and call me dickless. I want him to give that creepy smile of his, I want him to actually smile again. I want him to explain why the hell he was crying!

"Bastard!" I punch his chest uselessly while I wait for Sakura and Kakashi sensei. I hear a crack and my arm shakes as I look at my fist on his chest. I think I broke his rib… I pull him up and hold him not caring that I'm holding a guys body to me. "Sai you fucking bastard, Sakura's going to heal you and you're going to explain to me what's so fucking stupid. And why exactly you were jealous and what it has to do with me and Sakura"

I can't remember how long it was supposed to be before people give up on saving someone. Fifteen minutes? Thirty? I don't know how to heal people. I end up talking to Sai, until Sakura and Kakashi show up. I was telling him how much fucking ramen he was going to owe me for scaring me like this before Sakura hurries over and does that medical chakra stuff. And I can tell when her pretty lip starts trembling and those green eyes start welling up that it's too late.

I watch her bring an arm around Sai and one around me as she starts to cry. Her head bowed down just beneath my chin. Sakura starts sobbing and I can't… she's going to make me cry damnit I'm a guy we shouldn't. Her shoulders heave as she sobs shaking like a leaf, and I pull Sai's body and Sakura closer as my own eyes start leaking. "I'm sorry I can't he's already, there was nothing I could have… " I try to shush Sakura a little she's going to be blaming herself again a bit like she did when Sasuke left.

"He saved me, Sakura" Sakura looked up at me her eyes bleary red and puffy. And I recall this thing they did somewhere at funerals where they sort of kiss the person good bye and I mention it to her. She nods at the suggestion and kisses his cheek softly. I briefly realize a small flaw in my plan as I don't make a habit of kissing guys. And the question is where am I supposed to kiss someone.

I feel so dumb thinking about this now, lips, no too intimate. Cheek too girly and neither of us are girls. I finally decide to go for his forehead and move up his headband before pressing my lips to his forehead. I want to say that the two of us combined broke whatever jutsu Sai had placed on him making him seem as if he were dead and he woke up and was wondering why I was kissing his forehead. Or why I was holding him for that matter. But he didn't.

And he wouldn't.

______________________________________________________________________

It's like a nightmare I won't wake up from. I'd been making sure that the Chakra restraints we'd put on Sasuke would stay. Yeah, we found him, unconscious and betrayed by his ancestor. Naruto had said his mission wasn't done yet since they weren't back home and the big bastard was still on the loose. So, he and Sai had went off while me and Kakashi made sure Sasuke wasn't going ANYWHERE.

I knock him out with some well placed medical chakra and then Kakashi and I heard the sounds of fighting. We went over as quickly as we could but I could tell by looking at Kakashi it was too late. And I could tell by feeling Sai's chakra drain out like that. I pressed on as hard as I could I could recognize the poison from there and I knew I had to get the antidote to him as quickly as I could. I was too slow.

"Twelve bowls Sai it'll be at least twelve bowls for scaring me like this." Naruto was talking to Sai's body holding him carefully. I walked heavily at first over to them like I was in a trance and then ran. I could have just taken his pulse but I made myself see the damage to his internal organs as punishment for being so slow for being so worthless. His chakra was completely gone and his organs.

His stomach was riddled with holes from where the chakra fueled poison ate away at it and then up his esophagus and into his lungs and it stopped with his heart. I could tell where Naruto had punched Sai's ribs and had broken one. I brought my arm that felt twice it's weight around Sai and could feel where normally non-fatal wound was. I wrapped my other arm around Naruto and hung my head. I failed. I stare down blankly at the black fabric of Sai's pants as the tears start welling up. I start talking nonsense and I don't know half of what comes out of my mouth before Naruto shush's me. But I couldn't fix him there was too much damage I can't do that Jutsu Pein did.

I'd tried to help him learn emotions and I couldn't do the one thing I was trained for that I spent 3 fucking years spending every hour learning. I couldn't heal him. I look up at Naruto when he starts talking to me "He saved me, Sakura… " he looks so tired…"There's this thing they do somewhere when the body is in the casket everyone at the funeral goes and kisses them good-bye… I think.."

"It's a good idea" I don't know what was going on with Sai the past few weeks before but I'd only seen a few people look so alone before. I leaned down and kissed his cheek. It seemed right, I wasn't his lover, I was just a teammate, maybe a friend. I watched Naruto lean down and kiss Sai's forehead and I felt like I was almost invading something secret, precious before he pulled back and looked at me. I got out of the way and Naruto got up cradling Sai's body to him. I looked at Kakashi who I could see was looking at us staying where he was watching us.

______________________________________________________________________

I'm not sure whether to be more worried that Naruto is dealing with yet another person close to him dying or that this is Sakura's first. I shut my Sharingan eye as I observe them carefully. Sakura's reacting like she had when Sasuke left which in some ways was probably the only thing similar to someone dying who was close to her. I… I'm wondering if I had died in a similar manner when I was younger protecting Obito, if Rin and Obito would be reacting in a similar fashion. With Minato watching over them keeping them safe.

I watch them huddle closer looking more like kids than the capable Shinobi they are. I hear Naruto mention that Sai died saving him and I close my other eye. I catch no indication of Naruto catching on that Sai was in love with him and I hear them speak of a practice in another country. I open my eyes again needing to see both if Naruto will go through with this and to ensure they are safe. The moment is too important to be interrupted by outside interference.

I see Sakura bend downward and kiss Sai's cheek and bending back to give Naruto room. Naruto hesitates briefly Kakashi can almost see the internal debate going on in his head before he moves Sai's head band and kisses his forehead. It's awkwardly kind of intimate to watch because that's probably the first deliberate kiss Naruto's ever given anyone anywhere even if it was just his forehead.

We have Sasuke, though now it feels like a hollow victory. I worry about Sasuke he isn't going to react well to this I can tell he won't be in the same headspace as the rest of the team. I look down and see Naruto's expression as he's carrying Sai's body, I see the same expression he had when Jiraiya passed away. Naruto looks tired in every way a person can. We make our way back to Sasuke in silence. I'm not going to lighten the atmosphere even if there is no casket we are Sai's procession back to Konoha.

I think it will take a bit longer for Naruto to recover from Sai's death. He hasn't had any time to grieve for anyone properly and I know about grieving. It will take time for Sakura as well. He's sure as a med nin Sakura's experienced death but nothing ever prepares you for the death of your comrade, your friend. I see Sasuke's eyes open and I wait to see his reaction. Unsure if I'll be needed to step in or not.

_____________________________________________________________________

I only met Sai a few times, I don't know what everyone is so upset about but when I see Naruto holding his body. Even I have to stop and pause. Where'd the loser go? Where'd this guy that looks like Naruto come from? Who was Sai to Naruto that his death effected him so much? Sakura looks different too as she follows behind Naruto silently. Or was it how she looked at me, or rather, didn't look at me. She looks worried about Naruto, and she looks down at the body Naruto is holding. Kakashi's silent like always and I'm not sure what to say.

Did the replacement mean more than him? Would he be carried like this the day he died? He didn't know. "What are you so upset about he's just a replacement…" I scoffed resorting to demeaning the situation to try to figure out my place in this weird new team. Sakura seemed to nearly appear in front of me from nowhere and with a blank expression that chilled my blood. She punched me hard in the stomach. While Kakashi merely watched passively.

"Never, Ever. Say anything like that again. Or I will not hesitate to break every bone in your body. And heal them so I can do it again." She looked disgustedly at me. Naruto was silent as he held the guys body like he was made of porcelain and I shut up. I wasn't a part of this Team Seven… I wasn't in mourning over a weird Ninja that liked belly shirts. I was an outsider, I don't know what Sai has done to become so important to them, and I don't know if I care to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

The Kiba part is a onetime thing but I like having someone different start off the chapters so that way I can get the ball rolling and set the tone for the chapter, sometimes. My Kiba muse is a chatty one though. I just realized since I'm going through older chapters of Shippuden you do see the inside of Sai's apartment but oh well, that's the arrangement I usually had it in my head canon. Beta'd by Celestial Slytherin-Black,

* * *

The village repairs were going fairly quickly well me and Akamaru were helping tote equipment from a less damaged part of the village to help repairs on the more extensively damaged parts. I was helping repair the wall that was blown off of this one apartment and I was walking around in it when I recognized the scent of the person who lived in there. The apartment seemed to belong to that weird artist nin. It was a weird scent, like some kind of combination of mint, ink and some lingering smell of death. The guy was an assassin wasn't he?

I poke around his home briefly unable to stop the curiosity I had. Whoever said it was cats that got curious never met a dog or me on a trail. I couldn't keep myself from looking a little more beyond the plain modern looking living room with its stark white furniture and wheels. There was a big sketchbook that looked like it was for drawings to be done in there he flipped through and found some simple but almost photographic sketches of some plants and flowers I stare at an empty spot in the room and figure out that if he wanted to draw anyone he could just do it there after moving some furniture and that was really kind of cool.

I peer into the next room biting my lip I should not be doing this the guy isn't even in town but I can't help myself as I am almost blasted by the smell of ink and paint when I open the door. I have to hold my hand in front of my face briefly while I get used to it blinking back tears from the smell before I get used to it. I look around there were probably a few more paintings on the wall before it got blown off. Too bad… I examine the ones I can see half expecting to catch whiff of the grass or the trees. I see a sketchbook by the wall by the covered canvas and take a peek under the cover. All I see is a pale sandal clad foot and part of a pair of ninja slacks. I feel kind of like I'm 11 again taking a peek into my sister's or someone else's journal but I am having a hard time helping myself.

I glance through the sketches and find myself sitting down as I examine them more closely. I recognize people I see and have seen around the village. I feel like I'm looking at them from a different perspective as I look at them from the pictures. There's this weird guy at the beginning who I don't know, but I can't help but get the impression he's a good guy. There's this old guy who I've seen around the village who gives me the heebie jeebies, who was acting as Hokage for a while. There's a weird mixture of stuff I can sorta get from the picture and I'm not even any kind of expert at this stuff. A person who was good at this kind of thing would have a field day.

I see a little sketch of me and Akamaru and smile there's another livelier one but I like the one of me and him relaxing after training better. I see ones of other people in the village and see some sketches of his team and pause. While I've seen pictures of Naruto and have been around the guy sometimes I want to do a double take. In the pic, Naruto's smiling that huge Kodak moment smile of his but in this picture it somehow doesn't quite reach his eyes in a way. Not in a hollow creepy way like the artists smile did sometimes. But it's like it's a trick of the eyes, like there's some kind of mask or interference hiding Naruto's real face.

Sai himself seems confused by this, I see as I turn the page he has taken to drawing a fair number of sketches of Naruto on this page capturing a number of different expressions. Yet, like in the first a lot of them don't reach his eyes completely. I look to see in an excruciatingly neat almost like it was typewritten script at the bottom the words, 'What is behind Naruto's expressions?' If there is something like that sort of mask Sai seems to sketch in reality I would want to know what's behind it too. Sometimes Naruto's scent doesn't always quite match up with his expression and it's strange. And the more I think about it the more this seems like what Sai sketched is what we see, we just don't bother to look close enough.

I hear the noise the page makes as I turn it to the next and see Sasuke, he's in some weird ass robe that makes him look fat and he's holding a sword. Unlike some of Sai's other pictures I can't read anything behind his expression. Sai seems to try sketching him a few more times focusing on his face before in that script at the bottom of the page he asks 'What is so important about him?' I sigh, that would be a long and painful conversation if he were to have it with Naruto. My muscles twitch into a wince briefly figuring he may well have asked that already.

Sai seems to come to some sort of realization as he turns the page and has another page of doodles mostly of Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi. He probably draws them the most since he's around them the most. But, something about these ones have some weight to them. Naruto's expression when he's talking to Sakura, his writing is a little messier, more human, as he seems to take notes. 'She doesn't even realize how he feels…' Kiba takes a second look and catches Sai's meaning. In the pic, it's even more obvious Naruto's totally head over heels for her and it nearly reaches his eyes completely. He knew that already but seeing it so blatantly was a whole other thing. He hadn't been able to spend much time with them since the aftermath of Pein's attack. His clan with their dogs has been helping rebuild the buildings along with some other clans who's summons can help tote stuff to and from.

A sketch of Kakashi looking at what must be Sai in the picture like he knows something you don't and even from here I want to squirm uncontrollably. 'What does he know?' I really have to wonder too because being looked at like that is fucking awkward. What does he know, it's like he knows some dirty secret. I turn back to that first sketch of Naruto and stare at it. I'm not Naruto's best friend or anything but I like him, he's a good guy, works hard. But something behind that expression makes my gut clench and worry, whatever it is that's behind his expression isn't fun.

I quickly flip to the page after seeing sketches of Sakura; Sai seems to be very confused by her too. 'Why is she so important to him though? She doesn't even see how she makes him feel. What does it take to be that special to someone? I don't understand.' I have to shake my head a bit, and then frown. "He's talking about Naruto again isn't he…?" I can't help but say this bit aloud to confirm it with the air or something like that. I am not sure what to think of that. I turn the page and stare at a full page sketch. I notice some shaky writing at the bottom but go back to the sketch. It's striking, and very lifelike. Almost like that did happen but that would be impossible, since it's the artists own sketch and he probably wouldn't use a clone like that.

Naruto's asleep in one of the training fields a tiny smile on his face that seems effortless and makes me wonder what he's dreaming about. While in the picture Sai's tucked into this the crook of Naruto's shoulder his hand against his chest while Naruto has an easy arm around him. The writing is out of place but it's still neat though the shaking is only visible at the end of some characters. 'I had just been intending to sketch Naruto I don't understand why my hands have drawn me in the picture. I don't know what's going on, what is this feeling? I have to understand this before I can even explain it or categorize this. I'm not even sure why I have sketched Team seven so much. It's…. troubling.'

To me he sounds scared there or at least very confused. I finally screw up the guts to lift the cover off the painting and see a full color version of the sketch and like the others I want to think I can smell the people, the grass. But I catch in the painting something more. The details in there I don't know shit about paintings or analyzing art, but I feel sorta fuzzy when I look at it. Not drunk fuzzy but well, I can only guess it must be kinda like good couples feel like waking up with their partner. Or like seeing that old couple on the street. Things sort of shift and warp into perspective as I look at it.

Sai's in love with Naruto. Big time.

I put down the sketchbook carefully hoping I didn't leave any fingerprints or anything and replace the cloth cover on the painting so I can get back to work. It was one thing to read in a journal that has someone writing so and so was in love with so and so, or that they were in love with someone. They were just words and they can be read any number of ways and honestly with girls you need a grain or a box of salt with what they write, seriously. But something with this, that Sai was a guy and well, how he seemed to see as Kakashi would put it, 'Underneath the Underneath.' I could see it. Sai was in love with Naruto. That was probably what Kakashi knew, that Sai has it bad for Naruto, Naruto's in love with Sakura and he was fixated on getting Sasuke back, for Sakura. And Sakura secretly in love with Naruto, though she used to like Sasuke like that and Sai saw how much Naruto cared for Sasuke.

I ache for the guy that is just fucking harsh. I don't get the digging another guy but having it bad for someone who has it for someone else, that just sucks. I hear Akamaru bark and head out unsure what I'm going to do with this info. I get on his back and Akamaru whimpers sensing my unease probably. I pat his back and we head off towards the edge of the village to get more materials.

We both pause as we catch whiff of Team Seven and I frown. They have Sasuke, but I smell something else something normal for one of them but not this much. I see Naruto's face and it was kind of freaky. It was like I was seeing that face Sai was looking for behind Naruto's face and I felt raw just looking at him. The nine of us from the other teams had tried to help Naruto out earlier but we hadn't been able do much besides beat the other Akatsuki nins by the skin of our damn teeth but now…I smelled so much hurt and confusion from the team and just raw sadness I want to start crying like I'm a kid again it was intense, more intense than when we lost the Third Hokage. I look down at Naruto's arms and everything makes sense.

Sai is dead. I don't know the story but the smells I can smell give me enough of a story I feel ashamed of going through his house. I look at it now like I was grave robbing and the understanding I got is some kind of curse from the grave, though I'm not much for superstitions that's how it felt. I run off accidentally rustling the branch I was on in my distraction and run to the Hokage. Fuck I haven't made that kind of mistake in years. But first I have to let Lady Tsunade know they're here…

* * *

I don't know how but Granny knows that Sai died. I don't want to let go of Sai, I was supposed to look out for my team mates and he does something as retarded as that. I don't even know why. I haven't even been able to force a smile for days. Sasuke is being dumb and saying stuff to piss me and Sakura off, she looks ready to kill him at any second and I don't blame her. I don't even know if the biggest bowl of ramen in the world could help me right now.

Reluctantly I hand Sai over to Tsunade but I feel like I'm missing something now. Sakura steps in my arms and hugs me; I can smell her hair again. It isn't the thing I'm missing. I had become familiar with how Sai smelled the past few days. I had only put Sai down to let Sakura and Kakashi do jutsu's that would help preserve his body. Though he was clean I could smell death on him, as well as mint and ink.

I thought it was weird he smelled like mint, the ink was a given, so was the death, he has died and he did kill people. But mint? I don't know who I can talk to this about. I don't exactly get why people smell the way they do either it's weird. It's also weird how Tsunade was holding him like I was holding him but I'm glad. She puts him down on a stretcher and Shizune and an unfamiliar med nin go off.

"I'll take Sasuke, Kakashi." Tsunade looks down at Sasuke who was silent this whole time once we were in the village. And he follows her. It's me Sakura and Kakashi now and I feel awkward the last three days have been so weird and sad even though we have Sasuke back it isn't like I imagined it. Sasuke is being a bigger jerk, and Sakura and I are trying to get over his replacements--Sai's death. I don't know if there is more to how sad I am besides that I lost a team mate I only had for maybe a year. But something in how he looked at me makes me hurt, Sai looked like he hurt so much and not just physically. He was jealous of me and Sakura? Or was it something else?

"Sakura… I think I need to be at home for a while" I sound like crap. But then I groan and remember home is a tent on the Hyuuga compound right now since my apartment got blown up. I almost think why couldn't Pein have used that jutsu somewhere useful like the Uchiha compound since no one was there anymore but stop myself. Sasuke will be there. But my ramen posters and my games having your own place, those things are hard to replace.

"Naruto?" She looks worried about me and I don't blame her. I just give a small smile and decide to go to the rock faces instead. I'm pretty sure some people would want me to stay with people but I just don't know if I can be around anyone right now. It's sort of weird Maybe because I was holding him I kept thinking he could be brought back but now that I've given him to Tsunade it's like he's actually gone now.

He isn't coming back. I was wondering what the heck he was going to do to make me smile my real smile. He was so weird it could have been something incredibly off the wall, or maybe something completely normal was at least one part of his plan to make me smile. I don't know what would have happened with Team Seven since Sasuke is back but I wouldn't want to have Sai go back to Root, or Sasuke to be out of Team seven forever. Could that be it he was jealous we were still going to be in Team Seven while he was alone?

But that would me more concern about the future than something to actually be jealous of. Sai was jealous… Why was Sai jealous though? Was he jealous I was in love with Sakura? I haven't even really thought about it like that. I've liked her for a really long time; it sort of hurt though too. But Sakura being in love with me? That's --I don't even know, it's great yeah. Of course it is, I'll think more about that later where I can ask Sakura on a date again maybe after. But… Was Sai feeling left out?

I blink trying to think about that, why though? Could he have been jealous that I was in love? He has said he couldn't feel anything but if he was jealous that is saying the opposite. And if he was jealous I was in love well it certainly didn't feel all that great to be jealous of sometimes. Was he jealous we were in love with each other even secretly? We sure as heck weren't admitting anything though. Dang it I can't even ask him anymore it's so aggravating. Oh… was he in love with Sakura? If he liked her and yet if she is in love with me like he said, he'd be jealous of me. But he didn't say that…

"Sakura loves you, and you love her and I…" I'm repeating what he said hoping hearing the words and saying them would help. "What the hell did you feel?" I'm still confused. I sit on the statue of the fourth-- my dad's head and think more. He was jealous we were in love with each other even though she hasn't said anything about it if she is. Or was it that he had no place or someone to love? Ino liked him though but then again, Ino liked him because he reminded her of Sasuke and called her gorgeous.

I sigh and look over the town. Sai should be in the hospital getting further treatment not in the morgue. I should be trying to stay out of the doctor's way and pacing outside while I call him an idiot and then do something with Sasuke maybe try to convince the elders to go easy on him. But he isn't here. I'd be talking over what the hell Sai was meaning or could have felt to Kakashi Sensei. He would know probably, he catches stuff like that.

Maybe he was jealous that Sakura and I would have time together… I should be pacing waiting for him to answer me because seriously it's not a good thing to have jealousy as the first thing you admit to feeling with me around. I'm probably going to have to talk to Granny about the stuff he said.

I'm usually pretty good at understanding how people feel, and connecting with them. I look up as I thought about that, was Sai jealous of the bond me and Sakura have? I yank at my hair and groan. Fuck, I don't even know. Considering that he had been hiding that he was actually starting to feel stuff I don't even know where to begin.

I look over at the village seeing some birds fly up. Maybe why Sai saved me… Was it because we were team mates or… did he feel something for me? But he never said anything like that; he just calls me dickless and saves me, and that weird shoulder thing. I don't get him at all. If he did feel something for me… was he jealous because he felt he had no place? Something drops in my gut almost, his feelings-- whether it's that he was in love with me or Sakura. He felt his feelings had no place. That was it. The idiot! My eyes start leaking tears again without my consent and a bubble of laughter comes from my gut. And then I huddle close and shake. That… I know how that felt. How could I have admitted my feelings for Sakura when I couldn't even have kept my promise to keep Sasuke back at the time?

* * *

I've never been so glad to have time off before. I usually like working either at the hospital or doing missions. I like relaxing too don't get me wrong, but being out and about, doing something? That is what makes me feel good. But I feel so tired. Sai was the sort of person you never expect to die. I didn't, I was hoping he'd continue to learn even if it was at a snail's pace. I wanted him to find someone, after all that stuff he's been through he deserved it. I walk down the road worrying about Naruto, he looked even worse after Sai was out of his arms.

"Hey Sakura!" Oh no… I-Ino doesn't know. She slows own though right away worry clouding her features. "Sakura?" I don't even know what to tell her, I feel like I'm going to be sick. She really did seem to like Sai and now, yeah Sasuke's back but I just can't bring myself to see him the same way I don't know if it's the same for Ino or not.

"I…I -- Icouldn'tsavehim!" I start shaking again feeling worthless and angry. Ino's eyes widen and she brings her arm around my shoulder. She's seen me after a hard day at the hospital and starts leading me toward the dumpling stand. My knees are shaking and she sits me down on a bench. Ino's offering to buy dumplings and I shake my head. I'm going to puke if I eat anything; my emotions are running too high.

"Sakura this person was more than a patient, I've never seen you this bad since the first time you couldn't save a patient. What happened was it Sasuke?" I can tell she's desperately trying to read my face and is getting more worried.

"S-Sasuke's fine. He's with L-Lady Tsunade. Ino, its Sai… he got poisoned by that guy we were fighting it was forbidden poison 54. I-I Couldn't make it in time, I was making sure Sasuke wasn't going to get away and Naruto and Sai were fighting him by themselves." I manage not to cry but my stomach lurches and I feel the need to throw up again. I don't want to look at Ino's face I couldn't save the first guy I knew she had a crush on since Sasuke and figured she might get mad or upset.

Ino's quiet and I don't know how she's reacting, until she pulls me into a hug suddenly "If there is anything I can do, kicking Sasuke's ass for even getting into that situation. Buying all the dumplings I can afford for you let me know. Sakura you aren't useless, you are just human okay?" For some reason it isn't helping me feel any less angry and my fists clench and shake.

"I'M A MEDICAL SHINOBI I SHOULD HAVE LEFT A CLONE TO DEAL WITH SASUKE DAMNIT!"I slide off the bench and punch the ground angrily"I should have been there. Just like with that first time with Sasuke I should have been there maybe I could have helped somehow."

I start crying again and feel stupid. Even with my training I couldn't have done anything to help. It's ridiculous. Ino's quietly letting me cry and passes me a handkerchief and I use it. She passes me a water bottle from her bag too and I take a small sip. It's weird to have Ino sort of take care of me again, she was the one to help me when I was a kid and here I am again with Ino looking after me.

"And Sasuke… oh god how could I have ever…" I feel my stomach churns thinking about him now. He was saying so many cruel harsh things about Sai and he didn't even know him, the Sasuke I knew would never have said such things. I want to punch him again even as I think about those things. Even if Sasuke didn't know him I know the Sasuke I knew wouldn't have said things like he did. "He was being so cruel…"

"He probably doesn't know where he fits in. But was he talking about Sai?" I nod and Ino's looking at me, intermittently probably glaring at passerby's who were staring.

"He doesn't know a damn thing about him. I hope you hit him or yelled at him at least." I weakly laugh. Leave it to Ino to get straight to the point head on. And manage to get a laugh out of me.

"Yeah, I hit him hard. Naruto would have hit him too but he was holding Sai's body. I'm worried about him, Naruto I mean, he's lost and nearly lost so many people. And Sai… he and Sai were kind of close. I could tell Sai had some sort of respect for him." I pushed myself back up on the bench and slowly brushed off any dust and leaves from the ground.

"Uhh I don't know if it's kind of weird or not, but I kind of thought Sai had a crush on Naruto. Guys don't usually go on about their own or other guys equipment that much. And you said Sai protected Naruto a lot. I could be just reading into it too much. But that's just me." I stare forward letting what Ino said sink in. Letting things I've seen myself go into that the equation.

"Oh…Oh god." Naruto had talked to me about how Sai wanted to get Naruto to smile his true smile. His expression when he told me he could see Naruto loved me. I remember how weird Sai was acting towards me compared to how he usually was these past few weeks. We didn't talk as much and he seemed a bit more awkward around me. Awkward in a way I had never seen before like after he told me how he saw how Naruto felt he avoided me. "Ino would you say Sai was behaving sort of jealous these past few weeks?"

"Uhh… I couldn't read Sai as well as you and Naruto, Sakura. But I can tell he cared about Naruto a great deal to think about how he could be hurting and why, if what you told me he said was what he said. He must have been hurting though if he did really like Naruto. It hurts to see people you love hurt like that."

"Ohh…" God I'm selfish. For all that time before that I hadn't spared one thought for how it must have been like for him until Sai had brought it up. If he does love me I don't deserve it. Sai... It must have been torture for him to have to tell me what I should have seen all along especially if he did like him that much. I start crying into Ino's shoulder briefly before I calm down. "Ino… I think you could be right. And how can you stand me? I'm so selfish…"

"Shh… Forehead we all are. At least you know it now and Sai did the best thing to make you aware of it. Come on let's get some dumplings and you can tell me what makes you think I could be right." Ino's leading me along to the stand and I quietly go with her, at least one of us knows what we're doing.

* * *

I have a message from the Hokage telling me to come up and give at least one part of the mission report and teleport just outside her office. The guards who have been put in place let me in and I stand at the desk. I have my headband over my eye and I had been at the memorial stone thinking of things to do with Sai. I was wondering whether they will put his name or his codename on the rock, I don't even think I know Sai's true name.

"Sit down Kakashi. I take it the mission was a success, I already have received word that Madara's remains have been found and that Sasuke has been retrieved as I've seen. But that's not the entire reason I need to speak with you." She wants to talk about Sai. It's easy to see why. He was the only casualty and yet he was ANBU trained. An ANBU death or even former ANBU death is not a small matter. I have never been hugely fond of telling any of the things I know or have picked up on. But I had resolved to tell Tsunade what I had picked up on of Sai's behavior should she ever ask. Though I really don't feel that comfortable with it, it's a tad too much like gossip.

"Sai"

"Sai" She nods and sighs. "I should be speaking to Naruto first but I want to give him a little time alone first. He has been through a lot. And this is Sakura's first time grieving for someone so close to her." I nod and sit down on the chair in front of her desk. That was the logic I was hoping she'd use as much as I don't look forward to this.

"What would you like to know?" I watch her turn to the window. She has been doing this more and more since she's woken up from her coma I see her sigh and then steel her shoulders up.

"What we agreed on any emotional or behavioral changes" She turns and sits down at the desk her fingers in a pyramid shape as is one of her usual stances.

I sigh and start to tell what I know and what I've surmised. It's not all that much I also give my thesis on what killed Sai, Sakura would be the one to know for sure as well as Tsunade once she gets the autopsy report. Sai had gotten motivated to understand emotions after he saw Naruto and Sasuke interact the first time and since then had been having awkward shuffling steps. But Naruto was his main motivation for this and despite the nickname and his way of interacting with him. Sai seemed to genuinely care and support Naruto, likely even love him.

Though it wasn't the norm I would never hold that against him, if he did. Why not love the person who is trying to help you feel emotions, the person who inspired you to do so. I hope Tsunade sees it the same way. And also tell my opinion on Sasuke and how he should be handled.

It'd likely cause more harm than good if we had to execute Sasuke at this point. It would be an insult to all Naruto's accomplishments if we they were to do that. And Itachi's spirit would likely torment my dreams and the dreams of many other peoples for the rest of their lives if they were to do that. It was enough having him torture me once with the Mangekyo Sharingan my dreams are troubled enough some nights without that Uchiha's presence.

* * *

I have had some more time to think. It's the only thing to do when you're in a cell with ANBU guards looming around it. They'll tell me when they start getting the council to make a decision as far as I'm concerned. I egged Sakura and Naruto on and I think Sakura would have killed me if Kakashi hadn't stopped her. I've been thinking about them. After making a point not to for years it sort of shows me how much they've changed.

Sakura wanting to kill me, is something I would never have thought of years ago even being remotely emotionally possible and if I was to be more of an arrogant ass physically too. She must have been trying to help that Sai person help learn emotions, 'Even with his social problems he is a better person than you have been these past years.' She was practically snarling at me. And then ignoring me in favor of Naruto?

If I had any sort of romantic feelings for her I'd be jealous but I have never had any interest in Sakura like that, or much of anyone. Unlike how she fawned over me she seemed to genuinely see Naruto. I stretch as I continue to think. Sakura was quiet otherwise except for when she was threatening to kill me which was basically every time I spoke. And Naruto was quiet too which was creepy. And what was with his expression, I'd never seen anything so raw as that except when I saw my brother…

I focus on Naruto since it still made me ache to think of my brother. I'd fought Naruto time and time again and to think he could beat Pein. That Sai and Naruto could beat Madara? On what scale could you measure that kind of power? Madara had knocked me out with one single technique and yet Naruto managed to beat him. It's something that should have been impossible; the man has been alive for centuries.

It's more than just his power though at least when fighting, he still seemed to have that knack for having people change if what he was seeing in the village was any sign. It was almost creepy the respect they were showing. And seeing Naruto hold Sai he seemed to care about him too, though that moron could care for almost anyone. All I knew that Sai had done was keep me from stabbing him and apparently he kept Madara from doing similar to Naruto. I did know basically nothing about Sai and it was easier that way. I didn't want to know how or if he'd also changed since he met Naruto. It made it easier not to think of him.


End file.
